Best of health care jokes

STOP: Skip this posting and read the one above it! This is like cotton candy compared to real nourishing food above.

Another high risk posting, this of health care-related jokes I have received over the years. This is problematic in that I have discovered that most medicine-related jokes are offensive or demeaning in some way. I do not repeat those -- or even admit whether I find them funny or not! -- and so you have to help me to decide if the remaining ones make the grade.

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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet -- who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the viagra.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her cialis gown."

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A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...''Try doing it with the engine running."

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For those of you in a quandary when considering your health insurance options, I offer the following Q and A:

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

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The Board of BIDMC, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired Paul Levy to be the new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the institution of all slackers and bring real fiscal discipline.

On a tour of the facilities, Paul notices a guy leaning on a wall near the staff lounge. The room is full of doctors, nurses and aides and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

Paul, towering over the guy, then hands him $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, a slightly taller Paul looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the radiologists, mouth full of pepperoni, mutters, "He is the pizza delivery guy from Dominos...."

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True menu listing from our cafeteria:

Whole Wheat Pasta w/ Summer Vegetables Deglazed w/ Marsala Whine

What is Viagra ?

What is cheap cialis ?

Now if you are wondering, what's hell on the earth that made me write a blog entry about "viagra", please don't wonder, I will explain you in detail. Well, I have been receiving lots of Spam mails recently on my Gmail Id. Not sure how the spammers predicted that I need cialis, its such a wrong prediction but still they spammed me with hundred odd mails on lots of information on Viagra. Of course, Viagra happens to be a good scientific topic to do research on, so I thought of doing some research on Viagra. Things like, what is viagra, why do people feel shy when someone speaks about Viagra, I just wanted to know the exact reasons. Curiosity, my friends, it has always allowed me to understand lots of things. Let me say you, this post can really help you in gaining vital information about Viagra and probably in future if you find someone needing information on this, you can pass it on. Also, I will be describing all the terms very scientifically to reduce the embarrassment of all my blog readers. Common, I am not committing a crime by writing this blog, after all I am trying is to pass on real scientific information on Viagra, irrespective of whether you like or not. As a scientist I have the liberty of speaking truth over shyness.

Viagra is a chemical drug named 1-[4-ethoxy-3-(6,7-dihydro-1-methy l- 7 -oxo-3-propyl-1H-pyrazolo[4,3-d]pyrimidin-5-yl) phenylsulfonyl] -4-methylpiperazine citerate also called as "Sildenafil". Viagra just happens to be the commercial name of sildenafil sold by a company named “Pfizer”. Molecular formula of sildenafil is C₂₂H₃₀N₆O₄S. The basic function of Sildenafil is to increase the blood pressure in the vessels carrying blood to and fro the lungs. This generally causes shortness of breath, dizziness and tiredness. Now, one question in your mind must be what made Sildenafil so famous whereas it’s just a simple drug that increases blood pressure. The answer is very scientific and very much related to our lives, of course, if you have a deficiency.

The male organ of human Copulation has to be filled with vascular sinuses and should be capable of becoming distended and rigid as the result of being filled with blood during the course of copulation for a certain period of time. Some unfortunate men (!!) have a deficiency called as “erectile dysfunction” which reduces their ability to retain rigidity in the phallus during human copulation. Here comes Sildenafil as a rescue to such people to enjoy their lives. Sildenafil increases the blood flow to the human male phallus during human copulation. To be more scientific, Sildenafil improves pulmonary arterial hypertension by relaxing the blood vessels in the lungs to allow blood to flow easily. I guess, that’s the best way I can describe the Sildenafil without using so called “non-aesthetic terms”, in fact, I should add this paragraph on Wikipedia. Wow, I read the paragraph again, it has turned out great compared to the descriptions given across the other websites.

To clear out few things, Sildenafil doesn’t increase sexual urge, doesn’t cure erectile dysfunction and doesn’t prevent sexually transmitted diseases. It’s just a normal drug made extra famous by certain impotent people. Some of you might be thinking, how does sildenafil look like, is it a tablet, syrup or syringe? Sildenafil is sold in markets under the registered name “Viagra” as tablets. The tablets come as 25mg, 50mg and 100mg; consult a doctor before you take any of the different versions of tablets. There are few side-effects of Sildenafil but there cannot be anything worst than suffering from erectile dysfunction, so I suggest you to take it, cause you got a life, live it. But don’t take Sildenafil in large quantities (10 pills for an ever lasting night) as it can cause you a heart attack as well, anyhow that’s the worst case for the people over 40-50 years old. I really don’t think there is anyone who is above 30 reading my blog at present. By the way, according to Einstein’s relativity, an object experiences lesser time when it is riding fast but the actual time is more than what is observed, so don’t get dissatisfied by your life cause it was really quick, it may be due to relativity and unnecessary don’t take sildenafil.

What else should I write more about Viagra/Sildenafil? Damn, don’t ever think that I have consumed or seen it anytime. By the way, as per one of the Spam mails I received, “Viagra are blue tablets”, so now you know the color of viagra. So, let me conclude this blog article this way, don’t be shy in acquiring knowledge but yes, you got to have control over your senses. Life is a very valuable thing, don’t waste it reading non-sense available over net, science is the best source that you can trust upon. As a scientist, it is my responsibility to provide fellow human beings with right information as much as I can; this article is one such honest attempt.

November 04 4:11 AM

2007

My Consultant, Doctor Invisible

I started my surgical placement 3 weeks ago, and in that time, I have met my consultant precisely zero times. For the first two weeks, he was on leave, and for the last week, I have tried desperately but in vain to catch a fleeting glimpse of the lesser-spotted senior order cialis. Our lack of contact is not as worrying for me as it should be for you, seeing as he is the most important resource in the education of 3 people who will in the very near future be shoving their hands around in your guts and playing "eeny meeny miny mo" to decide which artery to clamp. I have parasitically sucked as much information out of the junior doctors as I can, and the occasional scheduled teaching session with another class is all well and good, but basically I'm on my own, and it isn't good.

At the risk of shattering the public's illusions of consultant surgeons as hardworking, humility-bound bundles of benevolent cuddliness, I have found a few incriminating photos taken during his time spent "at work". Observe.

Here he is shooting a personal best of 4-over-par when he was meant to be conducting an urgent radical nephrectomy.

Here he is in Monaco with his latest Porsche, whilst Mr.Smith bleeds out on the table thanks to his unsupervised cretinous underling doctors.

And here is cheap cialis Workshy again, coating himself in the gentle, relaxing sunbeams of Muscle Beach, as his own patients are ironically dying of untreated skin cancer.

Fine, maybe I'm overreacting, but it's not my fault if the weekly schedule of his activities I was given is 100% inaccurate. I'd ask the cleaners how to do a cystoscopy, but they only speak Polish. Just pray you don't need an operation in 10 years!